Beware of the following virusses...

Apekool anti-virus report

JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS

Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
 

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
 

PAUL REVERE VIRUS

This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack, once by LAN, twice by C:\
 

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS

Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
 

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS

Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
 

ROSS PEROT VIRUS

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
 

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS

It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
 

BILL CLINTON 96 VIRUS

This virus will say anything to you to get into your computer. But once you let it in, does anything it wants to. It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board. You know your computer has this virus when your screen turns white and spells out water.
 

TED TURNER VIRUS

Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
 

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
 

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS

Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!
 

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
 

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
 

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
 

GALLUP VIRUS

Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).
 

TEXAS VIRUS

Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
 

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1

The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
 

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
 

AIRLINE VIRUS

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
 

AT&T VIRUS

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
 

MCI VIRUS

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
 

FREUDIAN VIRUS

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
 

PBS VIRUS

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
 

ELVIS VIRUS

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
 

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS

Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
 

SEARS VIRUS

Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
 

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS

Your programs can never be found again.
 

KEVORKIAN VIRUS

Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
 

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
 

STAR TREK VIRUS

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
 

HEALTH CARE VIRUS

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.
 

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS

It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
 

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS

Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
 

LAPD VIRUS

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
 

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS

Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
 

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS

Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
 

O.J. VIRUS

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
 

BOUCHARD VIRUS

Attempts to remove the hard drive from your computer. If that doesn't work it terminates and stays resident at public expense
 

CANADA POST VIRUS

It would have infected you if it hadn't gotten lost transferring to your hard disk.
 

HP MARKETING VIRUS

Attempts to make you believe that your 3000 is a 9000, then disappears.

Asscons